Weepy Mary

But Mary was standing outside the tomb weeping; and so, as she wept, she stooped and looked into the tomb; (John 20:11)

As I have read this passage repeatedly over the past few days, it has struck me several times how much weeping Mary tended to do. It seems that many of the stories connected to Mary involve her weeping. And if, as some believe, Mary was the woman dragged before Jesus by authorities wanting to stone her for adultery, I suspect she was most likely weeping uncontrollably in fear and shame at that time too.

• Mary was undoubtedly near the cross when Jesus was dying, and most likely was weeping a great deal then.
• Mary had felt compelled to come in uninvited to a banquet put on for Jesus by her uncle Simon to honor Him herself with a most expensive and noticeable perfume, whereupon she lost control of her emotions and began weeping uncontrollably. While trying to clean up the mess she was making by pouring the perfume over Jesus head and feet, she added her tears to the mix and the whole thing became embedded on both her hair and Jesus' hair. At that time Jesus made it very clear that He both deeply approved of her seemingly dubious actions and also insisted that her public display of affection for Him would be intimately connected with the spreading of the gospel for the rest of history. (When it is not, I seriously question the authenticity of anything purporting to be the gospel that is being presented.)
• While it is not recorded as such, I wonder if when Mary was sitting at Jesus' feet with the other disciples, and then her sister came in and exploded at Jesus for not sending her back to the kitchen 'where a woman belongs', that she may likely have burst into tears at the scolding of her sister. Yet Jesus again defended her and gently rebuked Martha (which has become one of the main themes at women's conferences ever since).
• Right off, I can't think of any other specific stories where Mary is reported to have been weeping. But given that she had been delivered from demonic control up to seven times by Jesus, I can't help but think that during those dramatic encounters that there wasn't a lot of weeping taking place also.

In my imagination, I have associated Mary Magdalene with crying and vulnerability. But in addition I have also believed, as I have mentioned before, that Mary was a woman unusual in her capacity to love passionately and had what I believe, a gift from God of unusual beauty, both personality wise and in appearance (in contrast with her possibly plain-looking sister Martha). That is partially why she had been exploited so much in her life, both by relatives as well as by strangers. Such vulnerability in a world where exploitation is rampant is like a magnet, though victimizing anyone is never excusable.

Over the years as I have been coming to perceive God's ways more clearly, I am coming to see that the kingdom of God, including the way the rest of the universe operates and relates to each other, is one of incredible fragility compared to our ways of thinking. But it is precisely because it is so incredibly fragile that it is also stunningly beautiful. I am coming to see that the original design upon which God created everything may have included vulnerability as one of its most important elements.

Many years ago when I was a teenager I began struggling with the problem of emotional pain when it comes to relationships with others. Not that I didn't have any before that mind you, but what I am saying is that I was starting to become aware of an internal problem that was affecting my soul. I began to observe that as I increased my internal resistance, building emotional walls around my heart in attempts to protect myself from being hurt further by others, I was also quickly losing my own ability to enjoy not just love, but even appreciation for natural beauties of nature around me.

I could remember a time where I would sit on the edge of a cliff watching a sunset or some other beautiful scenery, that would be so painfully beautiful that I felt like I might explode. I remembered my confusion that beauty could even be painful and wondered what that meant. I remembered thinking that the only thing I could think of that might lessen the enormous pressure within my heart was if I could just have someone who cared about me sit next to me to share this experience with me. Somehow I sensed that if I could somehow share the intensity of the experience with someone else who also could appreciate it and know how I was feeling, that it might turn the pain into something more pleasurable.

But given the social circumstances of my life at that time and the kind of friends around me, that wasn't very possible. In addition, as a teenager with very conservative religious people in control of my surroundings, I found my heart feeling wounded repeatedly, and as a result I was withdrawing deeper and deeper behind emotional walls I was building up to lessen the pain I constantly felt. But what really frightened me was when one day I suddenly realized that in building these walls to protect myself from more pain, I now was becoming immunized to being able to even enjoy experiences of visual pleasure that before had been so painfully intense for me. That created a sense of alarm in my spirit and I began asking God what was going on.

I distinctly remember going outside alone one say and throwing myself on the grass with my face to the ground, wrestling with this problem and trying to make sense out of life in general. As I lay there trying to sort out these problems, it suddenly struck me like a thought from somewhere else, that what I was experiencing was a principle of reality that is unavoidable. This principle is this: that only to the extent that one is willing to open themselves up to potential emotional pain can they be capable to also experiencing positive pleasures. In fact, it seems to be like a mathematical formula, some sort of ratio kind of thing. For what I was sensing was that only to the extent that I would allow myself to be vulnerable to being hurt by others could I enjoy capacity to experience love from others or maybe even God.

I have to admit that I was not too happy with this revelation. Like most people I am not keen on wanting to open myself up to experiencing pain from others. I would much prefer to maintain walls around my heart blocking out anything that might threaten to hurt me, while still being able to fully enter into loving relationships with others. But what I was sensing then and have come to see later as an eternal reality, is that this is not how life is designed. We cannot have it both ways; either we must open our hearts to both love and potential suffering, or we harden our hearts through attempts to protect ourselves yet in the very process destroying our very capacity to experience true love.

The revelation of this life principle has reverberated in my mind ever since. But it has also helped me in discovering the real truth about God's kingdom as well as what Jesus demonstrated in His life here on earth. What I am coming to see in the life of Jesus is a man who took this principle completely seriously and lived it to the max. By never building protective walls around His heart, He became the most vulnerable person who ever walked this planet since Adam and Eve. But in doing so, and through allowing Himself to be exploited by those who did not value or appreciate this principle, He also effectively unveiled the real kingdom of heaven and reinjected it back into humanity in such a way that anyone choosing to follow Him and abide in Him could also escape the trap of sin.

As I meditated on Mary's life this morning it began to soak into my awareness that she was not alone in her penchant for frequent crying. And while most people around her viewed this as a symptom of weakness, and many were tempted to exploit her vulnerabilities and cause her even more damage, her emotional openness was only a dim reflection of the level of vulnerability that marked the life of Jesus. In fact, I believe that it was this very openness of Jesus that became the strongest attraction to Him for all those who had felt exploited in their own vulnerabilities. For when they saw a man who loved without reservation and refused to build walls of self-protection around His own heart, an intense desire was awakened in their own hearts to come closer to Him, for they sensed that this was the kind of life they had been looking for all their lives.

While the Bible does not report many instances where Jesus wept, a Jewish historian called Josephus reported that this Man was known for weeping quite often. Again, for many that kind of reputation might be viewed as a sign of weakness. But for those who long to live from their heart with freedom, they sense that it is really a symptom of being genuine, of being more alive, of having a willingness to embrace those around with the kind of love that intuitively knows this is how to thrive and really live.

Recently I attended a campmeeting in which I was invited to speak along with a friend of mine about some of our discoveries about God's character. As I prepared for those presentations, the closer we got to the actual time of getting up in front of people the more trepidation we felt about being vulnerable. We were afraid that people would argue with us, attack us and view our ideas as being heretical, maybe even insult us. Not too many people enjoy such treatment, and if they are I have doubts as to their ability to connect well with others. Most of us seek to avoid personal attacks and prefer friends who affirm us and accept us. But when it comes to speaking the truth we must be willing to take risks that people who disagree with us may react strongly when they feel their views are being threatened.

Yet at the end of these meetings my fears had been completely unrealized. In fact, what I felt was more along the lines of not just relief, but of growing amazement and appreciation. I was grateful that during the first time we had ever done anything like this, God had chosen a group of people who were more open-minded than any group I have ever encountered. Maybe He wanted to affirm us in this way and encourage us before tougher assignments later on; I don't know and I leave that completely in His hands. But what I did appreciate was the fact that these people were so eager to learn more truth about God's love for them and open to deeper insights into the nature of God's true character in contrast with the many lies being spread about Him from religions of every stripe.

I mention that in this context partly because I was reminded during those meetings of something God had confronted me with at various times in years past. After realizing the implications of that first revelation long ago lying on the grass with my face in the ground, wondering why it had to be this way, I felt impressed at various times that He just might call me someday to publicly testify for Him in rather unusual ways. He impressed me, or more likely asked me, if I was going to be willing to weep in public, maybe even before audiences as His Spirit would move in my own heart.

Now don't take me wrong here. I am not suggesting or even looking for opportunities to stand up in front of people and cry on demand. Quite the opposite, like most people I am rather fearful of feeling the shame and humiliation generally associated with weepy kinds of people. My background is from a family where the first time I can recall ever seeing my Dad cry was when my Mom died. And ironically during that very emotional moment, it was watching my Dad cry that disturbed me more than seeing my Mom die. So now you might get a sense of where I am coming from.

But God has been working on softening my heart for many years. That is not to say I have gotten very far, for I still feel all too hard inside, fearful and reluctant to cooperate with this apparent request from God. But at the same time He reminds me that this kind of testimony may well have far more weight in His kingdom than many sermons preached using compelling logic. He impressed me that one possible explanation why Paul was so effective in spreading the gospel was because it was so intensely personal for him that he frequently wept openly as he recalled the amazing grace of God extended toward him personally. Quite possibly it was the 'weepy' Paul that had as much effect on his audiences as it was the message of the real truth about God that moved them to embrace the kingdom he explained to them.

When I sensed that at these recent meetings I might be required to give God permission to move me to become emotional in public, I had to face this fear head-on and give him my decision. Knowing that God's ways are always better than mine, I told Him He could have His way, but I also asked Him to strengthen me and be close to me in that experience. I can honestly report that He did so, and although I tapped into deep emotions in nearly every meeting I presented, in doing so I felt drawn deeper into His love each time as His passion seemed to leak through me to infect other hearts.

So as I go back to the stories of Mary and all her weepyness, and contemplate the fact that Jesus was viewed by many as a wimp because of similar symptoms, from heaven's perspective this may often actually be more of a sign of being in touch with reality than others around us. While it is not popular to allow emotions to show (except maybe anger or disgust), I have been learning that if I ever want to live squarely in the kingdom Jesus is introducing that I must learn to be willing to let His emotions flow through me so that His love can take on real power as I pass it along to others.

No wonder Jesus said Mary's outburst of gushing, embarrassing affection should be shared everywhere the gospel goes. And wherever this story is not the ultimate illustration used to explain the kind of love God longs for all of us to experience, then I seriously question whether what it being presented is the real gospel; it may actually be found to be just a cheap imitation that has no power to save souls.