What's Going On Inside?

Now on the first day of the week Mary Magdalene came early to the tomb, while it was still dark, and saw the stone already taken away from the tomb. So she ran and came to Simon Peter and to the other disciple whom Jesus loved, and said to them, "They have taken away the Lord out of the tomb, and we do not know where they have laid Him." (John 20:1-2)

A number of questions rise up in my mind and heart as I read these verses.

Why did John make sure he identified exactly who the woman was here?

Why did she go directly to Peter and John specifically?

What was the circumstantial evidence that caused her to make the assumptions she did?

Why did she feel compelled to talk to Peter and John? What did she think they could do about it?

Whom did she have in mind in her last statement here with the pronouns they and we?

Mary goes early to the tomb, very early, while it is still dark. What prompted her to do this?

Certainly she must have been aware that there was a squad of burley soldiers camped around the tomb to prevent anyone from even getting close to it. So why did she go there anyway?

Sensing a little of Mary's insatiable passion for Jesus as well as the intensity of her grief over losing her best Friend in such a traumatic way, I doubt that she was operating very much on logic or reason at this point. And besides that, being a man myself it is nearly impossible for me to appreciate much of the way a woman, a very unusual woman at that, might feel and think under such circumstances. Yet I don't think it is wrong for me to try to get as far as possible into her mind and heart, for God has created in all of us at least some capacity for empathy with others, even those strikingly different than ourselves, if we will only open our hearts and minds to things outside our own perspective and let His Spirit empower us to share what others are feeling and seeing.

I suspect that Mary, along with many others that weekend, had likely not gotten much sleep at all. Most of the disciples, the men mostly, were so filled with a growing fear for their own safety that they likely had a very hard time sleeping. On the other hand, the women, and Mary especially, may have had very different emotions controlling their thinking and behavior. In my mind, Mary in particular seemed to have an inside track to the heart of Jesus. Her view of and relationship with Him seemed to go far beyond the intellectual attachment that most of the disciples seemed to maintain and even went far beyond what possibly anyone else had ever experienced.

Mary had a long history with Jesus, and a rather colorful one at that. Evidence indicates that she had be delivered from at least seven demons, and probably this didn't happen all at the same time. Her reputation was so vivid and public as an outcast but very attractive prostitute that it was impossible to not know who she was with most of the people in these stories. Even the soldiers involved in the crucifixion may likely have had previous encounters with her or had at least known others who had. So when Mary showed up at the cross openly supportive of Jesus, the inferences about their relationship could not be overlooked by a crowd eager to discredit Him.

As is very often the case, even after a public conversion such as Mary experienced, people of this reputation or other similar ones find it nearly impossible to have their own reputations altered in public opinion, either in or outside the group of people claiming to follow God. As the philosophy of AA insists (though I challenge its validity strongly), once a problem has taken over one's life and given them its identity, they must always view themselves with that identity. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic, even if one never takes another drink. And the same kind of logic applies in some people's thinking about a loose woman. While there may be good reasons to be extra careful and on guard and be willing to always acknowledge one's weaknesses, I believe there should come a point when both the person themselves and true God-followers around them must allow the new identity of Jesus to preempt the reputation of any sinner that once marked their previous life. But I digress a little here.

Assuming that Mary was so distraught that she likely could not sleep much that night, she for whatever reason decides to the risk of venturing to get close to the tomb where her absolute best Friend has been laid after a very cruel death. The memories of the abuse and shame that Jesus had suffered the last few hours of His life were vividly circulating in her mind and she simply loved Him too much to stay away despite any dangers that might be involved in getting close to Him. After all, there was a dangerous group of uncouth men stationed around His tomb, and it also was very late at night. But in spite of all this, she must have decided that it was worth the risk to be misunderstood or even suffer abuse herself if only she could just be close to where His body was lying in the grave.

This may have been at least some of the context of what was going on in her thinking as she gave up any further attempts to rest and slipped through the night toward where the soldiers were stationed watching for any suspicious intruders. I wonder – did she encounter any of the fleeing soldiers as they raced toward the city early that morning in terror after encountering messengers from outer space, interrupting their orders from earthly authorities? Or did her timing miss all the excitement? Did she feel the earthquake when the angel confronted the soldiers, overwhelmed them with the glory of God and knocked the heavy stone away from the opening like a pebble only to sit on it in triumph? We don't know exactly what she experienced or missed along the way.

I wonder if maybe she had finally fallen into a fitful sleep that night only to be awakened by the earthquake. I suspect possibly most people in the area may have felt the earthquake and had been jolted awake with more terror. An earthquake had marked the death of Jesus striking fear and foreboding into the hearts of many of His enemies. Now another earthquake rocks the countryside as again God intervenes in the diabolical plans of His enemies to confirm some of the most important evidence vindicating His reputation by calling Jesus to raise Himself up and leave the tomb victorious over death. This earthquake likely struck fear in nearly every human who experienced it, yet from heaven's perspective it was more like the triumphal singing that the shepherds listened to at His birth that also produced a lot of fear. Yet each time it was actually a celebration of God's emerging victory over the lies and works of His archenemy that have caused so much havoc throughout the universe.

We have little idea where Mary was coming from. Did she go back to Bethany to her home over the Sabbath? That would make sense since it was not all that far from Jerusalem where all of this was taking place. Most likely she would not have been allowed to stay with the disciples overnight as they cowered in the upper room, yet she seemed quite aware of their whereabouts. So if she was coming from her home in Bethany and had decided to go to the tomb after being jolted awake by the earthquake, that might imply that all the commotion with the soldiers being humiliated and fleeing from their post of duty had all been completed before she would have arrived from that distance.

From the accounts of several writers, Mary seemed to be operating alone at this time. She did not come together with other women, though their timing may have not been too far apart. I would suspect that the other women involved shared many of Mary's emotions, all rather different from what the men were focused on at the time. In this time of crisis it appears clear that it was only the women who seemed fearless enough to go to the tomb despite all the intimidations created by the chauvinistic authorities of the political systems in power. It was only the women who were willing to act from their hearts and take risks both physically and even with their reputations to come to the tomb to see what they might be able to accomplish out of love for their Beloved Friend no matter what they might encounter there. But the stories seem to indicate that Mary had not coordinated her plans with anyone else but was simply acting from her own heart irregardless of what her head might deem prudent.

But then isn't this just like Mary to do anyway? Anyone familiar with most of the stories of her encounters with Jesus could easily see that pattern in Mary's life. In my thinking Mary was a woman of women, not in that she was virtuous and graceful but that she was so attractive and had such natural magnetism that she easily became a prime target for all who were weak toward the temptations to exploit such vulnerabilities. I have occasionally seen women who reminded me of what I think Mary must have been like, not in that they were loose or seductive intentionally, but women who had such a brilliant sparkle in their eyes and a natural, even unconscious magnetism about their very presence that they were like a powerful drug affecting nearly every male who encountered them.

Many view this kind of attraction as sinful, but I don't buy that line. I believe that God endowed the female side of our species with attractions that are designed to complement the male side in such a way as to bond the two together inseparably when both are living in God's plan for their lives. Sin has so distorted our thinking and perverted our assumptions that much of what God designed to be experienced as intense pleasure and joy in His family is now viewed largely as coming from Satan. This is very sad but is most often reinforced by religion everywhere.

Jesus' reputation had been increasingly tarnished by His free and open association with Mary, allowing her access to His presence in violation of many of the traditions of culture. He scandalized even some of His own followers by going so far as to vigorously defend her impulsive, shocking outbursts of intimate affection even on His body. Jesus knew that by allowing this woman of ill-repute to openly shower Him with love and affection in public, that He was creating enormous potential for doubt that would only reinforce insinuations about His own character. Yet He did it anyway, for in the kingdom of heaven what is considered most valuable is often at very sharp odds with what we consider highest priorities.

I am not sure what jarred Mary out of her fear and musings when she stumbled upon the tomb and found it both unguarded and abandoned, but also with the large, heavy stone that promised to keep her away from the body of her Beloved lying completely away from the opening to the tomb. Everything that she had expected to find was missing or out of place. How was she to interpret all of this shocking evidence? What was she to make of this? Being much more emotional than rational as she was, it is hard to determine just what went through her mind at that moment.

But then again, maybe that is why she decided to go get some of her most trusted male friends involved in this new mystery. Maybe she assumed they might be able to think more clearly or might have important additional information that could explain all these developments.

According to her excited but distressed exclamations to Peter and John, she assumed that someone, maybe the soldiers or the diabolical, plotting authorities who had initiated all of this tragedy to start with, must have removed the body of Jesus, possibly to confuse or even further distress His followers. She may have assumed that they had decided it was not enough to simply torture and shame and kill the Man who had done so much to salvage and restore love into her life and had saved so many others; now they had to add insult to injury by playing engaging in even more evil politics and 'turn the knife' so to speak by insulting or hiding the dead body of their beloved Master.

What did she think Peter and John might do about it? Maybe she didn't have any idea what they might do but was simply acting out of intensified grief and desperation. But I also wonder if she had not originally desired to speak only to John alone as she may have come to feel that he was a most sensitive disciple among the twelve that she could trust with her heart without fear of being shamed. But when she arrived to find John, she found that he was acting like Jesus, by not allowing a severely depressed Peter out of his presence to possibly commit suicide. I have long believed that Peter was so depressed by his denial of Jesus that the other disciples had to take the initiative to watch him very closely for a time lest he slip away and take his own life like Judas had done. That's my personal opinion anyway and it seems to be corroborated by some of the evidence I have examined elsewhere.

So now Mary has to spill her guts to both Peter and John even though I suspect she didn't completely comfortable with the rather reactive Peter but had little choice by this time. But as is often the case, when looking back we see that God has details carefully planned in amazing ways we might never think of doing. Maybe Peter needed to get his mind off himself and awaken his heart to an awareness of how others were feeling or even get in touch with his own deep affection for Jesus that he had long kept suppressed under chauvinistic fears. Maybe Peter and Mary perfectly complimented each other at this time and God knew that both of them could be just what the other needed in that moment.

There is of course, much more to this story filled with excitement and drama. But I want to stop here and encourage my own heart to marinate in these thoughts to allow them to continue the transformation that I need to keep experiencing. I have many times been jealous of Mary and her ability to be so open, affectionate and transparent. Yet I know that my own fears and even maleness prevents me from living in that way readily.

Instead, I find myself much closer to being able to identify with the brash and impulsive Peter, though I don't think I am usually quite as outspoken as he often was. But I am certainly capable. At the same time I long to enter into the kind of intimacy and deep appreciation for the passionate love of Jesus that John seems to have acquired. So far I feel like I have only caught hints of what it must be like to feel the way John and Mary did about Jesus. And yet I also sense that sooner or later all of God's true children must enter into something like what these two enjoyed if we are ever to be prepared to live in the (dangerous) intensity of the kind of passionate love He has for each one of us. I pray and plead with God to heal my own heart so that I can quit resisting His transforming work in my life and draw me into the kind of passion that I catch a glimpse of occasionally in these stories from His friends in the past.