Testing the Theory

This study in Romans 13 is one of the most difficult passages that I have spent time on, not just because it takes so much time to try to sort out the preconceptions from the truth buried in the Word but more so because the issue dealt with here is likely my most sensitive area and my greatest weakness. But saying that, after reading Wild at Heart a year or two ago I wonder if this also may be potentially my most important strength in some strange way.

In that book it is pointed out that Satan usually attacks us at a very early age with attempts to wound us deeply in the very area of our heart that God designed to be our greatest contribution, the unique part of our identity where we are to reflect some portion of God's character most clearly. Satan intends to wound us so deeply in that most important part of our heart that he hopes we will never recover so that the image of God in that area of our soul will stay incapacitated and not be a threat to Satan's kingdom.

If this proposition is true, then possibly the issue of authority might be the area in which I am supposed to reflect the image of God most clearly to others, for it has certainly been the area of my heart that seems to have received the most damage and contains the most volatile triggers. It is so sensitive and reactive that I am even writing these words with great trepidation wondering if it might be foolishness to ever share them with anyone. I will leave that up the the Spirit to guide me after I am finished. But I do know it is very helpful and important that I go through the process of expressing what is going on in the deeper levels of my heart as a means of processing what is in there and receiving the light of truth from God to enter places that otherwise have remained hidden or inaccessible for many years.

Whether planned by God or not, yesterday I had a small opportunity to have my buttons in this area pushed and found that they still work all too well. I am not surprised about that but neither do I feel at all good about it. While I cannot heal my own triggers I have been listening faithfully every day to the messages from the Spirit to my heart about these things as I meditate, process and write on this part of Romans. I intend to stay in this passage as long as the Spirit impresses me so that He can do a more thorough work of excavation, repair and restoration inside of me. I do sense that He is fitting me up with more useful equipment to meet such situations though I need to learn how to use them effectively. I have to trust God to be in charge of this project completely and I believe He has the ability and the plans to finish what He has started, and it will be with amazing results.

Without going into details, I was faced yesterday with a situation of needing to talk with some very abusive authorities that have control over a close friend of mine right now. I found out they had accused me of breaking their petty rules in relationship to my friend and then went on to take out their vengeance on him as if he had anything to do with it. Though the accusations were completely and absurdly false that makes no difference to corrupt, earthly, abusive people who get themselves into positions of power and absolute control over others.

When I found out about it yesterday my emotions of anger and resentment instantly flashed up as usual and I could not restrain all of the evil thoughts and feelings that flooded my mind. I consciously realized what was happening but still allowed some of the poison of bitterness to leak out which affected others who were listening. I knew that I needed divine help in this situation as did the other people I was speaking with (before I tried to contact the authorities) and I began praying for myself for God's Spirit to do an even more thorough work in me, and for a spirit of humility and the eyes of heaven to see the situation very differently – as God sees it. I needed the compassion of God in my heart toward these sick-minded people instead of the rage that was quickly infecting and blinding my heart.

I remembered one of the previous times I had been forced to have a major face-off with some arrogant authorities and how I had failed to listen to the small voice inside of me instructing me to go somewhere alone first and spend whatever time needed in prayer to receive a right spirit before plunging into that situation. I failed to take that time and the consequences were less than honorable. The next day I woke up with remorse and shame for how my words had discredited the reputation of the God I claimed to be in control of my life. Even though I had exercised a lot of self-restraint I had mixed in enough bitterness that I had in effect denied my Lord under fire and dishonored His reputation.

Yesterday I found myself back at a similar place in my mind, though far less intense or potentially volatile. But I was warned that these people are skilled at pushing people's buttons and deliberately try to induce anger and resentment in people. They seem to almost take sadistic pride in being able to irritate and make life miserable for those under their total control as well as everyone trying to relate to their victims. This kind of injustice and open evil induces such strong feelings within me that I know God has a great deal more repair work to do for me to reflect the spirit of Jesus that He demonstrated during His abusive trial and crucifixion. But I also know that is what He fully intends to do in my heart, to prepare me for any similar situations that I may meet in my life.

I found myself wrestling between my urgent need to wait and spend time in calming prayer and my flesh's desire to immediately call these ?/!# people and attempt to manipulate and abuse them like they do to others. Of course my mind clearly understands that this is unreasonable and will only make things worse for my friend as well as for me, but the flesh doesn't really care about things like that – which is exactly why the flesh and its lusts need to be constantly crucified inside of my own mind on a continuous basis. If allowed to infect my spirit it will always try to “fix” things for me in a way that will only make things worse.

I did take time to pray and seek the calming influence of the Spirit of Jesus to fill my heart and override the urgency that my flesh was demanding. I struggled to know how long this needed to go on before I would be safe to pick up the phone and make the call. Finally with some fear I did make the phone call and, possibly providentially, the people I needed to speak with were all out for a long week-end and I was only able to leave messages for them. Of course this precluded their being able to tempt me or push the buttons in my weak area and I was able to leave a respectful, informative message attempting to clear up the misunderstanding and hopefully make things a little easier for my friend. Of course this issue is not over yet. I may yet have to talk with them on Tuesday. But then I will have had much more time to have therapy from the Spirit of Jesus to do its work in my heart.

As I thought about this while waking up this morning I was encouraged that as I prayed, God empowered me to begin to view these people in my mind more clearly through the eyes of heaven and truly see them as very hurting, damaged people themselves who mistakenly feel they can find satisfaction through abuse of others. Anyone who abuses others is doing so from unresolved pain within their own heart, likely from abuse they have received, and they desperately need the healing that comes from God. The same is true for me which means that I am no better than they are. I have the same tendencies and the same potential for evil as every other human being and when I fail to listen to and absorb the grace and kindness of God, when I fail to seek to sense His face and His presence, I will act out the same tragic, abusive, toxic behaviors that I find so offensive to my own heart from others.

I remember hearing a story about a famous Jewish Nazi-hunter who had spent much of his life searching and tracking down some of the most notorious suspects from Germany who had escaped to various places in the world to hide from justice. When one of the worst ones was finally caught and brought to trial in Israel, this Jewish man went to the courtroom to see him for the first time. It is reported that when he walked into the courtroom and took a good look at the Nazi he fell on the floor weeping – but for very different reasons than anyone suspected. He later said that what shocked him most was not the wickedness and evil that he had expected to see in the Nazi's face, but that the Nazi looked so normal that the Jewish man suddenly realized that he possessed in his own heart the very same capacity for evil that had enabled the Nazi to commit so many unspeakable crimes against so many others. He realized that the evil of sin was not just resident in a few, high-profile criminals as many like to believe, but that everyone of us has the very same potential for evil atrocities if we found ourselves in a similar situation with similar opportunities.

If it were not for the grace of God restraining the human heart everyone of us would more fully reflect the hateful spirit of Satan and the whole world would quickly self-annihilate. The natural results of sin really is death. Satan's ways and spirit are destructive but also very infectious. Because of that I need the healing balm from the divine Physician just as much as the abusive people who find themselves in places of power to make life hell for those under their domination. My greatest temptation is to become infected with the same spirit that makes them so obnoxious and this is the area of my heart that needs the most repair and healing.

Fortunately for me God is totally faithful even when I am not. God is all forgiveness even when I fall short or even resent His forgiveness to others. (I felt compelled to write extensively on forgiveness yesterday.) God is compassionate when I want to seek vengeance (just ask Jonah). God is patient even when I fall victim to urgency. What I am continually learning is that my primary focus must be on seeking God's face and dwelling on His perfect attributes instead of having my mind filled with the faults and sins of fallen humans. I must have the viewpoint of heaven or I will be guaranteed to be sucked into the very sins that I so much abhor in others. Sin is a cancer in my heart that reproduces itself wildly out of control if not stopped by the intervention of Jesus.

Father, I have laid myself out this morning and have glimpsed some of the internal garbage that still lies unresolved within my own heart. I confess these things and do not hide them from You. I ask You to do whatever You need to do to heal and rebuild Your image in my soul so that Your reputation as a Healer and Saver will be honored. Continue Your therapy in my life and show me Your face and Your beauty much more clearly. Keep me very close to You and I choose to submit to Your authority in my life. Please give me the glasses of heaven so that I can see past the abusive ways of men and not be intimidated or angered by their evil. Give me the heart of Jesus to love my enemies unconditionally with the love that only You can provide. Make me a channel of Your love and fill me with Your peace.

(next in series)