I Need More Fragrance

Mary then took a pound of very costly perfume of pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped His feet with her hair; and the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume. (John 12:3)

Each time I have read this verse over the past week or so I have been impressed with this phrase about the fragrance filling the house. I have felt conviction that my life is far too devoid of the kind of fragrance that would attract attention, at least the kind of attention that would cause others to want to become better acquainted with Jesus for themselves.

It has been coming to my attention increasingly over the past few years is that far more important than obsessing over getting my behavior in line with the law of God, the real issue has to do with the condition of my spirit and the atmosphere surrounding me that affects others. It is far too easy to just keep up appearances and work hard at looking like a good church Christian while failing to grow in true grace and making my life a genuine blessing to others.

Observing the messy kind of life that Mary had and yet seeing how her passion for Jesus seemed to connect her with His heart more than anyone else in the Bible has really piqued my interest. My heart wants to experience some of the passion that I see in Mary's story. Sometimes I have wondered if having that kind of depth and intensity of passion for God requires that I first be involved in a life of sin equivalent to hers. I have considered that option at times in my past but decided that it probably wasn't worth the risk of plunging into sin just to have the perspective of being rescued dramatically. What if I didn't make it back to God for some reason? Choosing to indulge in intense pleasures of sin not only would permanently damage and scar my own life but would endanger and wound many other hearts as well. I don't believe God favors this kind of option.

Yet coming to know God with the depth of intensity that I perceive in Mary's passion for Jesus is a very enviable thing. How can I, a person who grew up religious, taught the right doctrines and trained to do the 'right thing' and keep up the right appearances – how can I come to know Jesus and have my own heart catch on fire like what I see in Mary's experience? It has always seemed to me that it is far more difficult for a Pharisee-type person like me to come into intimacy with Jesus than for an open sinner to come into a passionate relationship with Him. While this may not be impossible it seems to be much more difficult. But that is the path that I have chosen and I want to be drawn into a much deeper relationship with the heart of God than I have yet experienced.

This morning I opened the devotional I have been reading this year only to find reinforcement for the conviction I have been receiving about this issue of personal fragrance. I don't think it is a coincidence as God has been faithful to communicate regularly to me things relevant to my needs for growing in grace. I find a number of significant elements that I have been learning over the past few years in this quotation that I would like to incorporate into my own life as well as addressing things that need correcting.

Love is the principle that underlies God's government in heaven and on earth, and this love must be interwoven in the life of the Christian. The love of Christ is not a fitful love; it is deep, and broad, and full. Its possessor will not say, "I will love only those who love me." The heart that is influenced by this holy principle will be carried above everything of a selfish nature.

Even among professing Christians there are persons who are always on the watch for something at which to take offense. If their friends are absorbed in matters that require their attention and have no time to devote to them, they feel slighted and injured.... Their lives are like the gorgeous flowers which possess no fragrance. Much to be preferred is the simple, unpretending blossom that blesses with its sweet odor those who come in contact with it.

Instead of finding fault with others, these persons should seek to become lovely by putting on Christ.... The character of Christ is the standard which the Christian is to keep before him. His aim should be to possess those graces that were exemplified in the life of Christ in humanity....

The religion of Jesus Christ is not merely to prepare us for the future immortal life; it is to enable us to live the Christ life here on earth. Jesus is not only our pattern, He is also our friend and our guide, and by taking hold of His strong arm and partaking of His Spirit, we may walk "even as he walked." {TMK 298}

I keep coming back to an awareness that one of my greatest weaknesses that I inherited from my family is the habit of fault-finding. It comes so naturally to me that it is difficult to stop, at least internally. My default reaction to many situations is to look for the negative, to play the devil's advocate. At the same time I often find it hard to feel spontaneously grateful, to appreciate the good in others and to affirm them liberally. I don't like this weakness at all and I want to become free of the selfishness that underlies it and reinforces it. Yet this tendency is extremely deep-rooted in my nature and I have to struggle against it constantly.

What I see in these references is admonition for me personally. I can see that my life is largely devoid of the fragrance of Jesus and that I need much more of Jesus inside of my own heart. Learning all kinds of wonderful truths certainly has its value, but unless these insights work into the deeper regions of my heart and begin to produce fruit that looks more like Jesus, they can become liabilities. I want much more of the spirit and disposition that was seen in the way Jesus treated people. I need the kind of spirit and atmosphere that attracted people like Mary, one whom nearly everyone scorned and marginalized, to feel safe to come close to and be around. I want the sensitivity and kindness, gentleness, compassion and forgiving spirit that will cause wounded people to feel safe to come close and develop trust. I want to exhibit the attributes that people saw in Jesus but were so rare in religious people.

Unfortunately right now I feel more like the description of the gorgeous flower devoid of fragrance, but even that hardly fits me for I certainly am not even gorgeous in any respect. I live a respectable life, try to stay out of trouble pretty much and seek to imitate Jesus' life by treating others fairly. Many look at me and believe I am a reasonably decent Christian, but that is not what I want to be. I want to become a passionate friend of Jesus, a person obsessed with devotion to Him like I see in Mary's example. I am tired and dissatisfied with mediocre living and yet I feel trapped in it. I want a radical personal encounter with Jesus that will open my eyes, soften my heart and help me to escape the average. I want to quit living in the rut and move into a high-risk life of faith out on the edge where the real excitement is and where I can feel like I am really thriving and bearing a more authentic testimony for the kind of God I have been coming to discover.