Review and Intervention

"Who are You?" Jesus says, "What have I been saying to you from the beginning? (John 8:25)

My heart is starting to warm up to this verse, this important set of questions. I have been learning for a number of years the importance of steering my attention more toward knowing God than on trying to change myself, to get rid of sin from my life and get my act together. I have wasted countless years diverted by the false compulsion of perfectionism while all the time the only way real change could occur was to get to know the only One who is perfect – perfect in love, in compassion, in kindness, in power, in fairness, in mercy and forgiveness.

As this truth slowly begins to seep into my soul I more and more find myself asking this question of Jesus, “Who are You, really?” I have a deepening desire to really know Him intimately, to know what makes Him tick inside, to experience His presence, to know at the deepest level that I am really accepted and loved and cherished and wanted. The problem is that after my head begins to realize these things are true it takes so much longer for my heart to come to believe. And that is part of the reason, no, most of the reason why I am so immersed in my study of the book of John. I want to not just understand what real belief means but much more I need to be experiencing and practicing it all the time.

One of my favorite songs is, “I want to know You more”. I like the unique bass progression in that song that makes a beautiful counterpart to the tune, but most of all the lyrics express so well the deep longing of my own soul that is nearly inexpressible in language. I really do want to know Him more and part of that is imploring Him to reveal to me, especially to my heart, who He really is.

Over the last few days I found myself face to face again with an outrageous dragon living in my basement. I am not talking about an imaginary fear like a child might deal with, I am talking about an all too real monster far more powerful than me that was created in my childhood and took up residence inside a cavern deep in my soul and has largely remained out of sight but very much alive for most of my life. It has far too much influence over many of my decisions and is the root of most of my fears. It threatens to dethrone any contenders that I try to place in control of my life and is constantly undermining all that Jesus is doing to transform me into His image.

I cannot say very much about the effects that this internal dragon has on me for to even speak of it seems to empower it or to infect others with suspicions about me which only adds to its effectiveness. But its presence is very real and my ability to keep it contained does not dislodge it from its hideout. I only manage to repress it and keep it largely out of sight from others and pray that God will deliver me from this threat to my peace, happiness and even my eternal welfare.

Very few people around me are aware of this internal threat but remain baffled as to how to relate to it or what to do to help me. I long for a reliable, safe counselor who might be able to help me find deliverance from this power but my suspicions and fears always warn me that people will betray my trust in them sooner or later and I have to deal with this alone between God and myself. I know that this dragon is a direct affront to God's position in my heart and it was implanted in me ironically by religious people with good intentions for me from a very early age. And unfortunately I think I may have created similar dragons in my own children that they now have to contend with or be dominated by throughout their lives until they too find freedom through the power of God.

So when I ask Jesus, “Who are You?” I have very strong reasons to want to know. My heart needs to know that He is big enough and strong enough to take out this dragon. I also need to know that He really wants to do this for me, and if so, I would like it to happen sooner rather than later. Too often certain events can trigger the activation of this monster into fury and at those times I feel very little control over my thoughts. I can restrain my outward expressions and actions largely through fear of retribution and retaliation from others, but that does nothing to resolve or free me from the deep internal control that this dragon still sometimes has over my soul. I need to know God much better, to have a much deeper trust in His power to deliver me like He did for people when He walked on this earth. I need direct intervention and deliverance and freedom so I too may live in love, peace and joy at levels that like I have never known before.

As I look at this verse I remember that Jesus tends to not often answer questions directly but often goes deeper by asking questions of His own. “What have I been telling you over the past few years? Don't forget all the insights I have given you and all the experiences we have shared together, the times I have already rescued you from the power of this dragon and the vital principles that must be followed if you are to live in safety. Look back and pay attention to what you already have learned from me so that I can build on it instead of having to repeat myself over and over and make less progress.”

One of the most influential authors in my life wrote something that relates to this rather directly. It goes like this.

In reviewing our past history, having traveled over every step of advance to our present standing, I can say, Praise God! As I see what the Lord has wrought, I am filled with astonishment, and with confidence in Christ as leader. We have nothing to fear for the future, except as we shall forget the way the Lord has led us, and His teaching in our past history.

We are debtors to God to use every advantage He has entrusted to us to beautify the truth by holiness of character, and to send the messages of warning, and of comfort, of hope and love, to those who are in the darkness of error and sin. {LS 196}

I recall a number of stories in the Old Testament where the people of God faced overwhelming odds from their enemies and almost certain annihilation. It was at those times that someone decided to place all of their hopes on God, to cry out to Him, to cling to Him as their only hope and to explicitly obey Him in every detail in spite of their overwhelming feelings of fear. These examples that resulted in some of God's surprising and glorious deliverances are written for our benefit, for my benefit to apply to just such problems as I am facing right now. It is not just external threats that God wants to deliver His children from but the internal ones that are less obvious but much more threatening to eternal life.

I need to take time to ponder back about my life and to remind myself of the many times that God has intervened and revealed Himself and delivered me from danger, from ignorance, from fears and from oppression. God is not impotent or unable to save me, but my picture of God still has serious flaws and inadequacies that need remediation. My heart's beliefs about God and His love and power always seem to lag far behind what my head is willing to believe. But even this is to a large extent is a problem that I have to put into God's hands as He is the one in charge of my whole recovery, not me.

Father, You know all about this internal dragon that threatens the very existence of my life and defies Your authority. I rather suspect that most if not all of the humans here on earth have to contend with something similar though most people may not be aware of or willing to admit it. I do know that this threat is far beyond my ability to resolve and that You are the only hope I have for deliverance. If You don't rescue me from this sabotaging force then I am doomed. But when You do rescue me I will be much more aware of how totally obligated I am to You to live in complete loyalty and devotion to You.

I don't know the plans You have for delivering me, but I seek to know You so that my faith and trust in You will grow stronger and will undermine this dragon's control over my heart. I ask for Your protection from the fierce surprise attacks of this enemy of my soul who not only seeks to take me out but wants to defame Your reputation as much as possible in the process. So You see, Your honor is at stake here too so You have even more incentive (if that is possible) to deliver me from this mortal threat.

Continue to transform my heart and mind and mentor me in Your ways. You know intimately the agonies and fears of my heart in regards to this and I ask that You intervene in my life and mind and heart and bring me much more fully under Your authority and protection. I choose to live in covenant relationship with You but I need to know much better what that looks like and how to remain properly aligned with You in that relationship. I claim the blood of Jesus and all that it represents to protect me from this mortal enemy and to bond me securely to Your heart no matter what happens around me. Do all of this for Your name's sake, for Your reputation, Amen.