Relating to Shame

The woman answered and said, "I have no husband." Jesus said to her, "You have correctly said, 'I have no husband'; for you have had five husbands, and the one whom you now have is not your husband; this you have said truly." The woman said to Him, "Sir, I perceive that You are a prophet." (John 4:17-19)

Again and again I see things in the way Jesus treated people and related to them that reveals such a different attitude than that of most religious people. And here in these verses it shows up yet again in even in this story. In fact, in every response throughout this story Jesus acts unexpectedly from how I would expect to see someone respond in these kinds of circumstances.

First of all, Jesus affirms the woman for being honest even though it is quite clear that her honesty is a technical evasive maneuver to avoid facing her shame, pain and embarrassment. But instead of taking advantage of the situation to press home a sense of guilt for her messed up choices, He only chooses to stay with the affirmative while in full knowledge of her background.

But remember, Jesus is in the process of offering her living water. So everything He does and says is moving toward that accomplishment. And one thing that helps to encourage someone to drink water is to be aware of their thirst. So Jesus accurately but very politely reveals that He knows her situation already and yet still exhibits no trace of condemnation for her. He accepts her exactly the way she is.

This is very striking for me personally. I can remember intense assertions by my father that acceptance of someone living in sin was absolutely unthinkable. In his mind, to accept someone was to condone what they were doing and he never wanted to be seen as condoning sin in anyone's life. Therefore he usually gravitated more in the direction of feeling compelled to point out people's sins and trying to make them feel guilty instead of feeling any compulsion to show compassion and acceptance for them before there was any sign of repentance. His picture of God simply could not tolerate such a concept.

And of course that is the picture of God that was formed in my own mind and heart for many years. And though I soon came to doubt the validity of his preference for condemnation over acceptance of people, deep inside I have always struggled to perceive God as being willing to accept me and love me no matter how good or how bad my performance in life was. And while I came to accept that idea more and more with my mind over the years, my heart still has a difficult time believing that God accepts me unconditionally in love. It is something that goes strongly against the grain of the way my heart perceptions of reality have been wired from very early childhood.

Yet over and over I see Jesus relating to people radically different from the way I was taught both in the family and in the church. That is why I sit in amazement each time I come across a story like this where Jesus does what to me is the most unexpected and seemingly bizarre. But at the same time something stirs inside my heart that tells me that this approach is the genuine way to bring about an atmosphere of grace where hearts can begin to feel safe enough to come out into the light even though they may still be feeling shame, guilt and fear. I know that this is the way that I wish I could be treated.

I became curious about what kind of relationship this woman might have been having with the man she was with currently. So I looked up the Greek word behind what is here translated have when Jesus said the man whom you now have. I found that it could also be easily translated as the relationship that you now hold onto. That sounds very much like what today is becoming the most common kind of relationships that people are choosing as an alternative to marriage. They are living together but avoiding the commitments involved in promising an exclusive relationship in marriage to each other. They believe that it is a better alternative than marriage because they may think that there is less potential pain involved in their future. It also keeps their options more open and if they choose to move on to another relationship they hope that the pain will be less than if they have to go through a divorce.

Again, I want to perceive with my heart as well as my mind the example of how Jesus related to this woman knowing full well her choices and her situation socially, living with a man outside of marriage and having a long history of broken marriages in her past. It was not something He chose to probe her about or try to lay a guilt trip on her. I am sure that she felt plenty of guilt and had for a very long time. There were many people around her in life that would likely make sure to remind her of how ashamed she should feel about herself and what a worthless person she must be.

But Jesus avoided reinforcing all of those emotional baggage issues while still speaking the truth in love about the facts of her life. It was very important that she be aware that honesty about the truth in her situation needed to be present if she were to engage in participation of drinking from this new kind of water Jesus was eager to share with her.

I want to learn to see people in these kinds of circumstances just like Jesus saw this woman and related to her. I want to be purged of the knee-jerk reactions of condemnation or shame or anything else that is not in harmony with the compassion of Jesus while at the same time not avoiding accountability, to be true to a person's need for honesty. It is a very tricky thing to help a person be honest about their true condition and the results of their bad choices without conveying the slightest hint of condemnation. It takes a secure peace and confidence in the ability of the Holy Spirit to bring about conviction in God's way and in God's timing for a person to feel free to accept someone like this fully in love and create the atmosphere of freedom that will invite them into the rich and extravagant grace that God is generously offering them.

I love the response that this treatment by Jesus produced in the reaction seen in this woman's mind and heart. The first thing out of her mouth after this most startling revelation that Jesus knew all about her morbid past was, “Sir, I perceive You are a prophet!”

Somehow I don't think this was completely the evasive move that it might appear to be. Yes, she did want to change the subject with all sorts of overwhelming feelings flushing into her face in the moment. But the complete absence of criticism and condemnation on the part of Jesus must have caught her by great surprise. She responded with a term of respect for Him and an acknowledgement that His ability to see her past so easily affirmed in her mind the implications of the words He had already spoken. She was saying that He indeed must have a special connection with God.

I want my treatment of people to be able to elicit this kind of a response instead of fear and shame. Yes, people may feel shame and guilt because of what they have already experienced and even the self-condemnation they may try to blame on others. But I do not want my own life to be a source of additional condemnation for anyone whom God is trying to draw to Himself. I want to be a clean channel of pure grace, of unexpected and unconditional acceptance, of compassion and to be a source through which God can pour His feelings for sinners. I want to move past my own past and be transformed into a new creation in Christ Jesus. I want to become a magnet for God.