Resistance and Forgiveness - 2

Forgiveness is letting go of resistance. Forgiveness is the opposite of the desire for revenge. When I am faced with the need to let go of my desire for vengeance I feel resistance to the idea of forgiving without first settling “the score”. But this very resistance is what keeps me away from the freedom that comes only through forgiveness.

As I look around in this passage in Romans 12 and 13, I notice a number of things that look very much like forgiveness.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse (12:14).

...do not be haughty in mind, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own estimation. Never pay back evil for evil to anyone (12:16-17).

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God... (12:19).

Owe nothing to anyone except to love one another; for he who loves his neighbor has fulfilled the law (13:8).

...Put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts (13:14).

An accurate definition of the word lust is the intense desire to have it now! This certainly applies to that inward, gnawing desire for revenge when I am mistreated or abused or treated unjustly. The lust in my heart desires revenge, desires to pay back evil for evil, to curse those who mistreat my heart. But God demonstrates through the example of Jesus my Savior and Lord that the way of real freedom and the way God designed reality is for me to live in a constant state of forgiveness, not just to deal with things in the past. This state of mind and heart is also very evident in its complete absence of resistance. To forgive is to not resist and to resist is to not forgive – the two are apparently mutually exclusive.

Resistance is the barrier wall that I build around my own heart in my attempt to protect my feelings and hopefully prevent further damage to a sensitive, wounded heart. It builds callouses around my heart in order to keep people from knowing me very well so that they cannot take advantage of my vulnerabilities. But this very same barrier also hardens my heart inevitably and it prevents me from being able to receive true love from others and from God. Oh, I can enjoy the pleasures of friendships and attention and praise and gifts, but I become incapacitated to absorb real, selfless love and reflect it back to others who need it.

When God promised to remove my heart of stone in Ezekiel 36 and put within me a heart of flesh, He was talking about this very issue – the walls that I have built to protect myself from suffering and pain. But when I begin to realize that this is what He is talking about I may start to have second thoughts about allowing this new arrangement to take place. If my walls are removed my selfish, sinful flesh believes that there will be nothing left to keep people from just walking all over me, abusing me with impunity and causing untold damage to this new heart of very vulnerable soft “flesh”.

God is very respectful of my right to freedom of choice and will never go through with this heart transplant if He does not have my un-coerced, full permission for Him to do so. But for me to give Him that permission I have to have enough confidence in His motives and ability to believe that somehow in the long run it will be for my best good. Looking at the example of the immense suffering and pain that Jesus suffered at the hands of His abusers does not always give me great assurance in making my own choice to submit to anything similar. And hearing Him pray for His Father to forgive those people while they abused Him seems absolutely strange and bizarre to my logical, protective, selfish heart.

This struggle lies at the very center of my triggers with authorities. I am afraid to trust my Higher Authority to work things out for my good in the end as promised in Romans 8:28. I like the idea of having a heart transplant, a good shower to clean me of all my filth, a new spirit within me and empowerment to walk in all of God's ways and statutes (Eze. 36:25-27), but the vulnerability that appears to come along with this package deal is very frightening to my old heart and it is very much in protest against the danger of allowing others to see who I really am inside when I am not even sure myself what is in there.

But apparently this package deal as described in Ezekiel 36 and summarized in Romans 12:1, 2 is an all or nothing proposition. There is no way that I can pick and choose and mix part of God's offer with maintaining a certain amount of authority myself over my own life. Paul makes it pretty clear in verse one of chapter twelve that my service of worship involves the holy sacrifice of my body (which includes my mind and heart) to God. Since the word holy means exclusively dedicated to something or someone and a sacrifice means letting go of control and ownership, then if I want to enjoy the benefits of the kind of life God is offering me in salvation then I have to let go of all my resistance to whatever He chooses to do with my life. I am no longer in charge of it.

Choosing to go this route means that the God that I entrust with my whole life, my protection, my vulnerable new heart, my reputation and my future – this God is going to have to be big enough to finish and accomplish what He promises and good enough to be trusted with my heart and all that is in it. He cannot be two-faced or fickle in His ways. He is going to have to understand my fears and apprehensions, my desires and my doubts, without condemnation. And I need to know Him well enough that I can trust His heart to effectively nurture and care for my heart. This faith is not something I work up by sheer will-power or effort but is something that has to spring up spontaneously from exposure to One who is worthy of my trust and I need to see more clearly that worthiness.

This is precisely why I spend so much time each day immersing myself in the Word. It is not because I want to fill my mind with Scripture knowledge so I can be smarter than others or more pious – please! No, the primary reason is because I genuinely desire to know this God who promises to reveal Himself to me, both to my mind and my heart, on a very personal level. I believe that through this means He will induce saving faith within my heart that will grow both upward and also become deeply rooted inside as I foster an atmosphere of mutual intimacy with Him. What I am seeking far more than knowledge, as important as that may be, is a personal, heart-level encounter on a regular or even constant basis with this God who has been so dramatically changing my perceptions about Him over the past few years.

What I am finding is that He really is faithful to show up when I present my heart to Him in these times together. Writing has become a very useful and important tool in that process. I find many times that as I write it is almost as if a window opens in my mind and heart and I can hear His Spirit much more clearly. It is something of a dialog many times that I have come to crave and enjoy. But additionally, all throughout the day I also hear the quiet voice making little notations and observations or reminders that surprise and delight me. I also sense convictions and warnings that I do well to listen to and respond to quickly. It is at those points that I am instantly faced with this issue of resistance – whether or not I will maintain my own desires and opinions or whether I will let go of my resistance and embrace the thoughts of God that often are very uncomfortable or even sometimes repulsive to me.

I am seeing that resistance and fear are very close companions. I resist directly because I am afraid. Fear lies at the root of all my protective maneuverings and to let go of resistance I also have to deal with the very deep-seated fears that compel me to resist. I sense that I must face them head-on, acknowledge them, expose them and hold them up to the light of God's presence. Only in the presence of the warmth of God's love and truth can the ice of fear begin to melt into the rain that maybe God uses to wash away the filth collected in my memories.

I continue to choose to pursue this friendship and submission to the God who insists that He loves me unconditionally and will restore me to the original design for joy and close-knit bonding with Him and His family. I accept His supreme authority in my life above all other authorities, and I trust Him to empower me to be in subjection to other authorities without fear or resentment. He is not finished with me yet, especially in this area, but He is also faithful to finish and accomplish in me what He asks me to do.

Lord, I again lay down my resistance. I know that is easy to say when I am sitting here in freedom and comfort with no obvious threats hanging over me at the moment. But I ask for grace and transformation of heart to prepare me for when I do encounter those situations so that You can demonstrate the power of Your love to completely reverse the effects of sin in my life. Continue to heal my deep roots of fear and bitterness that cause me to get angry and defensive. Fill my heart with total confidence in Your ability and desire to protect it even when everything seems to indicate I am abandoned and alone. Show me Your face much more clearly so that I can see Your emotions and feelings and desires. Jesus, I'm Yours – save me.

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