What is Good Discipline?

(This post is only one part of a whole series of writings that I am “experiencing” in my journey through chapter 12 of Hebrews. I felt convicted a few weeks ago to jump into this search for my bitter roots in my journey to freedom and I was directed by the Spirit to this chapter as the context in which God would reveal some things I need to know to help me to freedom. Because of the sensitive nature of this journey I have not felt free at this point to post most of the things I have written because I need to allow my heart to feel safe enough to show me its true feelings without fear of exposure to insensitive others at this point. Maybe later when it has experienced more healing and feels stronger and safer I may be able to post the whole series. But for now I will only put out the things that it gives me permission to post, and even then with some trepidation.)

(Hebrews 12:5-11)

While it is true that discipline in the life of a person shows that they are a legitimate child, if their experience consists of not much other than discipline then something would seem to be quite wrong about their relationship to the one disciplining them. Any family where discipline is the main feature is usually a very legalistic, perfectionistic-oriented family that is not very healthy. When relationships revolve more around discipline and punishments than they do around positive, joy-building activities, then it is very likely that the discipline is being administered in the wrong spirit and is not having the effect that it should have if done properly.

If discipline is not producing a noticeable change in our life then either the administrator is not doing it properly or the recipient is resisting it all too effectively. Since God, the perfect parent, is also perfect love and all of His discipline is done totally in that context, then if we are resistant to true love (not the redefinition of the word used by abusive parents) then we will be hardening our heart and stiffening our necks in rebellion against the holiness of God. For this passage says that this is the purpose of God's discipline, to make us partakers of His holiness.

I know that when I was growing up my attitude of rebellion was often met with a reflective and similar attitude from those in authority over me. They reacted to my resistance by employing even stronger measures of arbitrary force without real love for me which in turn only produced more rebellion and resentment which simply intensified the vicious cycle. To justify their use of abusive methods against me they claimed that they were only doing it in love. But their spirit did not convey that message and so it created a lot of bitterness about authority that became my inner picture of what God was like and strongly taints my relationships yet today.

But since God is a perfect parent He is not going to administer His discipline in ineffective ways or in ways designed to force and break my will or produce fear like earthly parents often do. God does not want us to have a spirit of fear. (2 Tim. 1:7) Fear is something He repeatedly commands us to not have throughout the Bible, so why would He use discipline to instill it into us and then command us not to have it? No, God is not like our earthly parents and He does not discipline us like they did which was too often more for their own benefit more than for ours.

It says here that one of the objects of His discipline is so that we may share in His holiness. Holiness is something we have very little, if any, understanding of if stripped of its legalistic connotations. But holiness is one of the primary descriptions of God so whatever it is it describes who He is – it is His identity. So logically thinking we can conclude that discipline from God is designed to bring our identity into harmony with His identity. That really means restoring the image of God back to its original condition in which we were created six thousand years ago.

If all I have known or seen is corrupted ideas of discipline, then how can I ever cooperate properly with the good kind of discipline from God when I don't even know what that means or feels like? I will naturally apply the assumptions about discipline to things that have happened to me and then come to false conclusions about my experiences and about God because of my twisted ideas of what constitutes discipline. If real and value-enhancing discipline is something that is outside my internal definitions, if it is simply not found in my database of knowledge based on personal experience, then it will be extremely difficult to either respond positively to it when it happens since I won't recognize it, or I will mistake things coming from the enemy as coming from God because it resonates with the distorted ideas about discipline that I am familiar with.

But even though this presents a problem for God I am also quite sure He is not baffled by it or surprised and confused. He knows my predicament and lack of context for understanding how to relate to good discipline but He also has very effective means of dealing with that obstacle of which I know nothing.

As I think about it I realize that one of the most important goals for good discipline is not to get me to trust in the plans or methods of God that I can see are reasonable and make sense but that I learn to trust the heart of God above everything else, and especially above my own limited knowledge of Him and of truth. If I begin to trust my knowledge more than His heart that is far beyond my knowledge and understanding, then I am headed into more trouble and confusion and may need more discipline to get my focus back on His heart more than in His ways.

I feel like these things are coming to me in real time and I am very grateful for God's willingness to share them with me in my search for real understanding of this subject that has so much pain and bitterness attached to it in my life. I stop at times and ask God if my heart is hearing this as much as my head is enjoying the dialog. It is difficult for me to know what my heart is doing as it is mostly out of reach of my conscious mind. It has remained hidden for most of my life in a prison of fear, dread and apprehension. It feels safer staying hidden in the dungeon even though it becomes extremely lonely at times, because it thinks that staying there is safer than coming out into the open where it may encounter even more abuse, shame and rejection.

It is very difficult for me to get in touch with my real feelings. They are very slippery and evasive and I usually only catch a passing glimpse of them, like a rare bird that avoids detection or frightened deer that stay far away from civilization. Consequently it has been a long and sometimes discouraging journey to draw my heart out and offer it to the Doctor for repair and restoration. I have not yet met a human with the skill and sensitivity needed to create a safe enough atmosphere for it to come out of hiding very far. My heart is completely convinced that no human exists like that and that any human that it might trust very much will sooner or later betray its trust and will once again abuse and assault it for selfish exploitation.

There it goes again into hiding. It was like it came out for a few moments to tell me what it felt and then disappeared into hiding again. Well, I appreciate whatever I can learn in those moments when I can really feel genuine, but they usually only happen when I am alone. I am overcoming much of my fear, at least the conscious ones, about God and I think my heart is very slowly trying to trust Him more intentionally. But trying to bond with other faulty humans who are guaranteed to make mistakes is another thing altogether. I logically know that I am supposed to have some kind of relationships like that but I find it impossible to establish any very effectively at this point. I don't fully understand why but I am getting clues here and there.

I want to experience healthy, positive bonding with other hearts as I was designed to do and am told that I am supposed to do. That is the only way I think I will ever truly feel satisfaction at the deepest levels. But my fear is still way out of proportion to my intense cravings for satisfying relationships so I remain isolated but hopeful that God has surprises in this area for me. According to the things I read in His word His plan involves living more transparently within the context of the body of Christ – whatever that really is. I am trusting Him to show me where and who that is and then how I am to connect properly with the rest of them.

Of course another big problem (but not for God) is that everyone else who wants to be part of that body is also fearful and carrying around confused ideas of discipline and proper bonding and so are sure to make mistakes in their attempts to bond just like I do. Because of my deep desire to bond with others I notice that I often do impulsive things that I later (or sooner) deeply regret. Sometimes those things cause intense pain to others in their inability to read the true intentions and desires of my hungry heart. That is very often the case. But as a result my heart withdraws again and tends to vow never to try to come out again in the open because someone may get hurt again, either me or the other person or both.

What the consistent factor is in these scenarios is the avoidance of pain. I logically realize that and can declare that it should not be the determining factor in my decisions, but that is all a bunch of absurd nonsense if you were to hear what my heart really believes. And I suspect the same is felt by the vast majority of the people in the world. That is not to say that it is right, it is just the normal reaction of a heart that still is in need of a great deal of healing and wholeness.

I just realized that that very point takes me back to the problem of accepting or even comprehending the nature of good discipline. If my heart has been thoroughly trained to avoid pain above everything else then it also has been diabolically trained to avoid even the pain that might be involved in the good discipline brought into my life by the One who loves me intensely and will never abuse me. It is just like the evil one to set this trap inside of my heart to prevent me from growing into the loving relationships that God intended for me to enjoy not only with Him but with all of His children. If I keep pain avoidance as a higher priority than maturing and growing and thriving, then I will remain stunted in my growth and imprisoned in my heart. Again, my head can begin to accept this but my heart needs quite a bit more assurance before it is willing to buy into this proposition.

It is becoming more clear to me that the missing ingredient in abusive discipline is real and obvious love. The abuse of that word in the administration of abusive forms of so-called “discipline” has also severely damaged my heart's understanding of that word too. Because I have so little comprehension or memories of what real love might look or feel like I have no context in which to believe and accept the idea of healthy discipline. If love and caring and respect are missing in the spirit of anyone who is exercising discipline in the life of another, then that discipline is going to produce the wrong results and the heart is going to suffer more damage than good from the experience. And since very few of us have ever experienced good discipline from a loving parent that accomplished its purpose of drawing us closer to their heart, then God has a very big job to reverse that tragic damage to our psyche and bring us into close relationship with Him. And I have to confess that I have passed on just as much malfunction from skewed ideas of discipline as what I received myself.

It is quite clear here in Hebrews that God fully intends to use discipline in the transformational process in our lives. I believe that He is only going to administer the right kind of discipline, though it may very often seem like the wrong kind primarily because of all the baggage in our hearts described above. I also believe that quite possibly we are too quick to label experiences in our lives as discipline from God based on our false notions of God when in fact they may actually be attacks by the enemy posing as Divine punishments and trying to reimpose and reinforce our twisted picture of discipline and our old feelings about an abusive God. Satan is not about to stand by and allow us an easy transition into the realization of God's beauty and perfect love and compassion for us without trying desperately to keep us locked in the lies about God that he has spent so long weaving around us to keep our hearts imprisoned in fear. This is now getting to the very core of what the Great War is all about.

It just came to me that my emerging understanding about the differences between the legal model of thinking and perceiving reality and God's true way of relating based on family-oriented relationships can help me understand what is involved in correct discipline. Abusive discipline that produces fear and often rebellion is arbitrary in nature. It is really punishment and not true discipline but it likes to use that term. God's kind of discipline is actually very full of grace. Let me explain.

In God's view of reality and the ways in which He operates, sin produces natural consequences that are not arbitrary at all in nature. These consequences are not imposed by God unless you think that He is responsible because He set up things to work that way. If you violate the law of gravity by stepping over the edge of a dangerous precipice without proper precautions you will be sure to experience the natural consequences. God is not imposing them on you arbitrarily. You committed the act and you experienced the natural result. The very same principle applies to all of God's laws, for all of His laws are descriptive in nature, not proscriptive like our legal model produces.

So as I am starting to just now see, whenever I suffer the natural consequences of violating the principles of reality that were put in place by God, I am setting myself up to suffer the full consequences of those violations. But that creates a much bigger problem. For if I were allowed to experience the full consequences of my mistakes and bad decisions then most of the time they would ultimately and often very quickly lead to my demise and then I would not be able to learn from them or grow into more maturity through the experience.

This is now where I am beginning to see what may be involved in the good discipline of God. He does indeed allow me to experience the natural consequences of my mistakes to some extent, but He always limits those consequences in order to protect and preserve me so that instead of raw justice (the natural results of contradicting reality) terminating my existence I am given opportunity to respond to this demonstration of His grace but also learn lessons from the pain of the limited amount of consequence that I do experience.

Given this view of discipline, it can be seen that instead of imposing arbitrary punishments on me for disobeying His orders and rules, God is constantly at work to shield me with His grace from experiencing the full effects of my many mistakes. And again, those consequences are not of an arbitrary nature any more than getting hurt by gravity is arbitrary and artificial; but they are unavoidable results of breaking the order and principles that constitute true reality as it has been created to operate. If it were not for the protective love and intervention of God's grace to prevent me from proverbially hitting the bottom of the canyon lethally when I stepped off the cliff each time I sin, then I could not survive to learn the truth about His love and just as importantly learn not to get so close to the edge of cliffs in the first place.

I realize that I have heard this explanation to some extent in the past, but because the context and the condition of my spirit was so conflicted with the message I could never really hear the truth in it before. It always sounded very arbitrary in nature because that is the only way I perceived God. But with God's recent revelations about Him self to my heart, it is only now just beginning to make sense to me and my heart is actually listening to this quite intently and with a feeling of hopefulness. I sense that I want this truth to become a much more permanent part of my perception of reality and my view of God. I have never understood grace very well as it was a topic generally avoided in my culture so this is really helping me perceive it more clearly.

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