She Saw Him

When she had said this, she went away and called Mary her sister, saying secretly, "The Teacher is here and is calling for you."

Therefore, when Mary came where Jesus was, she saw Him, and fell at His feet, saying to Him, "Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died." (John 11:28, 32)

To say that Mary was hurting would be a serious understatement. But I believe she was feeling much more than sorrow at this time. There are many other emotions that swirl around a person's life after a death of someone very close to them. Some have outlined what is called the grieving process. This process often involves anger, blame and other emotions that many of us are quite uncomfortable facing but are very real.

Given the circumstances and sequence of events in this story it is very likely that Mary was probably feeling strong urges to feel angry at Jesus even though her heart did not want to experience that feeling. Having these intense and conflicting emotions would naturally cause a person to also experience guilt on top of all the other emotions. After all, Jesus was Mary's best friend who had repeatedly saved her from a desperate life of sin from which she had no escape. Mary felt deeply indebted to Jesus and loved Him with an intensity like no other person at that time. But now she found herself experiencing feelings that were very negative about Jesus and it must have caused her much consternation and confusion.

Feeling negative emotions about a person we are supposed to love creates internal stress. Having mixed feelings toward someone who has saved our life can create shame and guilt for even having such thoughts. All of this can add to the already heavy weight of emotion that naturally results from someone dying and can make one wonder what is going on.

Mary had been coming to learn one of the most vital lessons that any of us can ever learn. After repeated relapses into a life of prostitution and being rescued by Jesus over and over, she finally began noticing that if she could just remain close to Jesus and focus on Him that it was much easier to stay out of slipping back into her own weakness and being overcome with temptation. This is why she was so intent on remaining in the presence of Jesus and sitting at His feet when Martha blew up in frustration at her demanding that Jesus send her into the kitchen. It was not that she did not want to help her sister but that she had been learning that the only really safe place for her to maintain stability was to stick as close as possible to the one who had the power to rescue her and transform her.

Mary shows up repeatedly in the Bible as the one who seemed to spend the most time at the feet of Jesus. This was no accident but was something that she learned the hard way. But she was learning the lesson and was discovering that if she could just stay in the presence of the one who truly loved her and had the power to save her that she would be safe.

But this time Jesus had seemed to let her down. She and her sister had sent a message to Him about their brother's sickness but He had seemingly ignored their request and now their brother had died. This brought a whole new set of temptations to Mary that she was now struggling to deal with. Why would her best friend act in such a strange way if He loved her as much as she was sure He did? Everything was so confused in her mind and the suggestions of some of the Jews who had come to 'console' her were not helping matters any. Without Jesus present to bring sense and clarity into her life, Mary was devastated and distraught. She did not know how to cope with her emotions and she was not strong enough to rise above them at this point.

Her sister who had a different personality and likely less charisma than Mary seemed to be able to hang onto a bit more faith even though she too was devastated. Martha was more of a thinker and less prone to being swept along by her feelings. She did not have the kind of emotional damage that Mary had and was able to view things differently than Mary. But right now Mary was stuck in a dark place inside and nearly everyone around her only seemed to be reinforcing that darkness.

When Martha quietly slipped in and whispered to Mary that Jesus wanted to meet her outside of town, it was like an electric shock in her world. It was the kind of jolt that could push Mary out of her deep stuck place and gave her a glimmer of hope that somehow Jesus could do something even though she had no idea what or how. All Mary knew was that Jesus had repeatedly rescued her again and again from hopeless situations and that the best thing for her to do when things got desperate was to get into the presence of Jesus. And the fact that Jesus wanted to see her was the best word that had come to her in a long while.

As I was reading this yesterday some words seemed to jump off the page at me. ...when Mary came where Jesus was, she saw Him, and fell at His feet... I have learned that the Bible writers do not often just through things in for filler. When something is mentioned in a story like this it can hold enormous significance and I love to open up that door and explore what might be hidden behind it. When I read these words, she saw Him, I sensed a reference to the deep and intense brew of swirling emotions going on inside of Mary's heart that all suddenly burst open like a ruptured dam or a volcano. Mary was finally back where she knew she needed to be and she didn't lose a moment to instantly throw herself at the feet of Jesus where she had so many times found relief, comfort and hope.

Just seeing Jesus was enough to disrupt all her emotional turmoil and challenge the doubts and anger and shame and despair that seemed deadlocked in her mind. Seeing the compassionate face of Jesus and suddenly re-experiencing the emotions now so familiar whenever she looked into His eyes reignited her own passion for Him and she could do nothing other than throw herself at His feet and express the agony of her soul.

While she did not have the ability at this point to dialogue with Jesus like Martha had just done, Mary did what any of us can do when things don't make sense and our emotions seem out of harmony with the relationship we want to have with Him. She threw herself into the only place that she knew had potential for bringing her relief and where she had found salvation so many times before. When she saw His face she wanted to get back to being at His feet.

Not long after this Mary was again at the feet of Jesus feeling very intense emotions and also very awkward. Mary was a very emotional person who had a magnetism that had often gotten her into seriously compromising relationships. Now with her dark reputation as a woman of the street still influencing what other people thought of her, she still felt compelled to come into His presence again, this time to publicly offer Jesus the greatest gift she could come up with to show Him how she really felt inside. Again she found herself the object of scorn and shame and humiliation from those around as she expressed her intense emotions for Jesus while pouring super-expensive perfume over His feet and wiping up the excess with her long hair. With her emotions overflowing in tears nothing could prevent her from pouring out her heart to Him no matter what it might cost her.

It seemed that Mary was always violating social rules and creating problems because of her personality and impulsiveness. She repeatedly found herself in compromising relationships and situations with men, but her deep craving for affirmation and her need to feel valued and loved kept driving her back for more. When Jesus entered the picture He offered her an alternative source of value and affirmation that was not exploitive but honored her as a precious daughter of God in spite of her sins. This was stunning, surprising, even confusing to her until she began to experience the transformation that always takes place inside whenever a person encounters this kind of love. Now she had so much passion and appreciation and gratitude for what Jesus had done in her life that she could not stop herself from once again violating the strict conventions of social behavior to pour out her heart in an abandoned act of love for her Savior at His feet.

Mary came to the place where she realized that life simply was not worth living unless she could experience the presence of Jesus. Eventually she learned that she could live in His presence without having to physically have Him there because He provided a Spirit, a Comforter as He called it, to keep Him close to her all the time whether or not He was there in body. Mary learned the lesson that I want to learn much better, that the only safe place in life is as close as I can get to the feet of Jesus.

When she saw Him she threw herself at His feet. Mary knew what it was to seek the face of God.
And whenever she caught sight of that face the truth and love and power she found there was always able to set her free from the power of sin and shame and hopelessness in her life.

If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.

(2Ch 7:14 ESV)